Sunday, January 31, 2016

Paleo Indians were the first to discover Man-Made Global Warming

Ugock and his small clan crossed the vast ice fields of the frozen north following the great herds of caribou and woolly mammoths during the day and at night finding shelter in the many ice caves of the enormous glaciers. Once inside they used their flint tools to build a fires to provide the warmth needed to get through the long night. As the heat from their several campfires began to warm the cave ice on the caves roof, it would melt. Small amounts of the ice and the water would drip or run down the sides of the caves walls. This was their way of life, the nights in the caves and the days searching for the animals of the north. A cycle that continued for thousands of years. As time passed Ugock noticed the level of a nearby lake was rising. He thought about this at night while sitting near his campfire as he watched the ice melting on the caves roof with an occasional drop of water hitting him on the head. Suddenly on night he jumped to his feet, for he had discovered an absolute truth, he was causing the lake to rise. It was him and his small cave fire and the fires of other nearby clans.


Next day he raised the alarm and warned all he met of the approaching danger and urged all to reduce the size and number of their cave fires, less the lake continue to rise and drown them all. The fires dimmed but the water continued to raise and eventually out of desperation sacrifices were made to the old gods. The Paleo-Indians had discovered man-made global warming.

Now some 15,000 years later the new cave-dwellers of the sprawling canyons of metropolis have re-discovered that ancient enemy of global warming and just as Ugock they are calling for the dimming of the campfires to stop the rising waters. And in time they will call for greater sacrifices to the gods of science, not the virgin sacrifices of the past (alas, no more virgins), but instead, the sacrifice of "our way of life". The sky is falling again and the Chicken Little's of the world are sounding the alarm!   
By Ron Russell 

Saturday, January 30, 2016

Farts, S.H.I.T, Politicians and other stinking stuff.

A recent study done at the prestigious Sam Houston Institution of Technology better know as S.H.I.T. has found that flagellant emissions by Vegan's was three times higher than that of people who have a mixed diet of meat and vegetables. The extensive study was conducted over a five year period and included the participation of some 5,000 volunteers divided evenly between meat-eaters and non-meat eaters. Some environmentalist groups and P.E.T.A. located in San Francisco are already questioning the legitimacy of this report claiming that S.H.I.T. has large endowments from wealthy cattle ranchers, adding this report does not pass the smell test. Additionally, F.A.R.T. the Federal Association of Retired Tomato-growers has condemned the report. However, members of the Board of Regents at S.H.I.T. are standing by the results. Furthermore they are now claiming that by eating meat people are, in fact, cutting down on green house gas emissions countering the argument by environmental groups that livestock are contributing to global warming and therefore should be taxed accordingly. Scientist at S.H.I.T. point out a well know fact to back up their findings, "Bean-eaters fart more than Big Mac eaters".
Meanwhile inside sources at the White House indicate many of the staff are in disarray over the contents of this reports with some staffers and interns calling for a separate eating areas for the Vegans in the cafeteria and a designated Vegan break areas outside. As usually the President hasn't yet taken a position on these rapidly developing events. The situation on Capital Hill is about the same with some meat-eating Senators demanding Vegans be excluded from certain "closed door hearings". Things appear to be spinning out of control as both sides harden their positions. A few of the meat-eating Senators are now calling for a special tax to be levied on all beans sold in the country to buy carbon credits. The senior senator from Texas is planning to introduce a bill calling for a nationwide ban on Vegans in all public eating places, and in all closed places where large crowd gather. Again the President's position is unclear on this fast moving story. Outside the White House protesters from both sides are gathering with those on the Vegan side hurling unseen missiles at the meat-eaters! Capital police with gas masks have be observed arresting some of the Vegans and hauling them off in Hazmat vehicles. As this situation unfolds trading on the Chicago Mercantile Exchange has been wild with cattle futures soaring while bean futures are tumbling with most other commodities remaining stable. Meanwhile the man on the street was saying these stinking politicians have finally been exposed and he was grateful to S.H.I.T.


Although President Obama's public position remains neutral some White House correspondences report overhearing some muffled remarks yesterday as the president left the safety of his teleprompter. The meaning of these unguarded remarks is yet to be aired.
By Ron Russell

Thursday, January 14, 2016

2 U.S. Naval Boats reportedly in International water when captured by Iran

Anonymous Pentagon sources are now telling us that the 2 U.S. Riverine Naval Boats in route from Kuwait to Bahrain were captured in international waters by Iranian gun boats outside the territorial waters around Farsi Island.  A small island controlled by the Iranian Revolutionary Guard.  The sources also are telling us that the Naval Lieutenant that made a brief statement while in Iranian custody, made that statement under duress.  Furthermore, these same sources indicated that the Obama administration has ordered the 10 sailors involved in this incident not to make any public statements about the nature of their capture or detention by the Iranians.  All this fast breaking information leads one to wonder just what is the administration hiding.